Monday, August 1, 2011

I BOUGHT A SORTING HAT

As you can deduce from the title, today’s blog will be about the shallow nature of man and why I never date.  Also, I bought a Harry Potter Sorting Hat that doubles as a puppet.  Those topics are not mutually exclusive.

So I was watching a video from some of my favorite YouTubers (Is that a word?  YouTubers?  It sounds like a vegetable with an identity crisis.) and they were randomly listing the people who they would love to take to the pub.  Brits, of course.  They listed several vloggers (Is that a word?  It sounds like a logger who cuts down vaginas.), all of whom were awesome and that I totally agreed would be fun to get hammered with or to watch get hammered.  They then said that, wow, this is kinda a sausage-fest.  Any girls they like*?

That’s when things went south for me.  The first girl they mentioned was fairly acceptable.  Pretty, neon pink hair, Irish so points for that.  Then one of the boys said that the girls had to be smart, funny, and witty.  The other looks over.  “Or just cute?” he asks.  They nod.  Then we hear a long list of names of tits with cameras. 

I’m not naive.  Whenever you meet someone new, you can’t help but categorize them by what they look like, what they’re wearing, or, in my case, the state of their hair.  But even idly thinking of spending several hours with someone, I think I’d go with fun and smart over cute and stupid any day. 

Of course I fall prey to this as well.  The guys I was talking about are pretty damn fit.  But I don’t watch their videos to see their hotness.  I watch their videos because they’re well made, well thought out (sorta), and hilarious.  I spend time with them.  I don’t care if they have six packs or most of their teeth (they are  British…).  Hell, one of my favorites to watch is the amazing Wheezy Waiter and the only time he sees a six pack is when he picks one up at the store!  And I would totally nail him even if he has a beard!

I just don’t know.  Ya know?  I realize that I’m in the business of “beauty” but I’m not in it to make anyone a sex bomb.  I’m in it to make people feel good about themselves.  I can be just as shallow as the next person, but to me what matters most aren’t the eyes, it’s what is behind the eyes.  The individual, not the individual parts.  I always feel so discouraged when someone lists criteria for a mate starting with looks and ending with intelligence.  More often than not you’ll hear that from men but I’m always ashamed when a woman dates an asshole that happens to model on the side.  Sure, he cheats on me and treats me like a dog, but he has a great ass! 

So, yeah, I don’t date.  I don’t even put myself out there.  It’s not that I’m not lonely because I can be.  Ask my cat, Mr. Fluffy.  What’s that Mr. Fluffy?  You don’t want to be in my blog?!  What the… You ungrateful feline!  Don’t you turn your back on me!  Why I ought ta…. Um.  Date.  I think I need to go on a date.  Maybe get out of the house.  Ahem.

In the end, what the hell was I talking about?  I bought a hat.  I talk to my cat.  Men are made of shat.  Nothing new about that.

Mr. Fluffy is judging you!


*On the subject of women on YouTube.  Sadly there are too few who rock.  Some who are like Nanalew who is gorgeous and funny and…. Ok that’s the end of my list.  Seriously there is a huge lack of kick ass girls on YouTube.  And don’t even think of saying, “Jessica, you could vlog!”  The answer is NO!  NO I WON’T! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!  Jesus, it’s hard enough for me to see my own writing let alone stare myself in the nose for five minutes while wearing a Sorting Hat and Pooh Bear pajamas.  Yes, I just described my outfit to you.  That’s a sexy conversation.  “So, what are you wearing?”  “I’m wearin’ Pooh and a giant floppy wizard hat.  What are… um… hello?  Hello?!”